Attracting the Idiots

With a 3 day work week steadily working its way down to lazy holiday time I’m finding that not even the horde of idiots that I commute with everyday are managing to keep me angry for longer than a few minutes.  That being said, they sure are still trying.

I have successfully managed to have 3 people walk right into me in the past 3 hours.  And I don’t mean they couldn’t get far enough over since there’s a crowd that they’re working with, I mean a full, head on collision just because they feel entitled to my space.  I should mention that I’m not a totally miserable person that I just railroad people when I walk, especially since I’m only 5ft 4in and I get run into a lot and, usually, without so much as a sorry from the party charging into me.

The first idiot decided to take me on in the middle of the street in the cross walk zone.  Little do people know, that I am an immovable object.  I look like the path of least resistance in crowd but I move through it like a tank.  I have people on my right, there’s no one on my left.  I can’t comprehend why I have to change my trajectory when all she has to do is inch over a step or 2 and we’ve avoided contact.  Alas this is not to happen.  I make full eye contact with her so she can see the “You better get the fuck outta my way” look in my eyes.  She looks down on me from her 6ft stance, holds my gaze, and doesn’t move.  Fine, it’s on you dumbass.  She comes in for full frontal contact and loses.  Down she goes in the middle of the cross walk.  All that I do for her is mutter “Get the fuck outta the way next time asshat.” just loudly enough for her ears only and I carry on my way.  Let’s all share the space people, it’s not that hard.

The next winner is a colleague.  Now, in my office, we even have safety moments about making sure to be courteous and letting people off of the elevator before you try to get on.  I can’t even put into words how much I think this is the most stupid topic that has to be broached in a place where you will only find adults working and ‘functioning’.  Do we get into a group and revert back to selfish children?  In my office we do.  They even eat food out of labeled and personal containers, but that’s to be talked about at another time.  I’m the only person in the elevator, it dings at my floor, the doors open, and some idiot is right in my face.  He apologizes but then DOESN’T BACK UP OUT OF THE DOORS SO I CAN GET BY.  Why the fuck the apology then you waste of space?  I must say that this interaction made me have a flashback to my teens, in the bar, dancing/signing along to Ludacris’s ever popular song “Move Bitch, Get Out The Way”.  I bit my tongue to not mutter that they were also an asshole like that first douchebag since work pays me to be professional, this ignoramus has seem to forgotten that, but I’m obviously the better person here. Obviously.

Next, I’m heading to grab a hot beverage with a coworker, we’re both cute, little, women in the big, scary downtown district.  We’re trying to navigate through the covered pedway when this hulking ‘gentleman’ decides to hug the wall that we’re walking along.  Now these pedways are probably built for 7-8 people wide to walk, this doesn’t mean that you should do that though because you have to account for the oncoming people; if you’re not a complete dickbag that is.  This dude is totally a dickbag, 100% certified.  There is no where else for me to go as my friend is right next to me and the wall is next to her and dickbag is barreling down on my current occupied space.  Well he was quite shocked that it wasn’t he whom body checked me but the other way around.  This idiot didn’t fall but managed at least a 180 and a dirty look, which made me flash a brilliant smile right back at him since I felt justified and that he was in the wrong.  My coworker tells me that I must be a magnet for this people today since I’ve already conveyed to her about the first 2 losers.

I just want people to be courteous and aware of their surroundings.  When you wake up in the morning and discover that you are the last human being in your city, then roam wherever you so please, but until then stay out of my space or I will run you over.  I don’t intimidate, get your shit together idiots.

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