Ever just watch the world and think, “WTF is wrong with people?”. My daily interactions are making me want to become a hermit. Mostly attributed, lately, to having people not know how to speak to someone regarding grief. On one hand I’m glad that people are so ignorant to grief because that means that they’ve never had to suffer through losing someone, but on the other hand, it can be the most overwhelming interface during a work day that most people experiencing grief would rather have avoided at all costs.
I lost my Father, a smidge over 2 months ago. I’ve had an agonizing re-entry back into the wonderful world of work, mostly due to the fact that my coworkers feel like a pep talk will ‘snap me out of my funk’. To these ‘well meaning’ people I’d like to proffer some advice; Go Fuck Yourself. Grief is not someone simply having a ‘bad day’, grief is someone who has been pushed into a terrible circumstance of loss and they now have to learn to adapt to the fact that their loved one will never answer the phone when there is news to be shared albeit good or bad, never be able to offer advice on life decisions, or be there to make up with after an argument. It is a deafening finality that blasts loudly in the subconscious of us left behind and oozes into our reality. It takes tremendous effort to get out of bed in the morning and try to function normally, you want to scream at the world as to how dare it continue to turn without this person who has been the cornerstone of your family.
That being said, if you find that you are talking to someone who is currently experiencing a loss and dealing with grief, do everyone involved a favor and offer sympathy and change the subject. I’ve ran into people that believed having a dead parent talk off was being helpful; ‘well I’ve lost both of mine now, one suddenly and one over time due to a fatal illness and I don’t know which is worse.’. This conversation is (the worst) you dick. This is like telling the person that you don’t really care what they’re going through or their experience, this is a classic ‘one-up’ and one sided ‘conversation’. How someone felt this was helping I will never be able to fathom.
I’ve also encountered people thinking that I should keep busy. Well again, that’s your opinion on what I’m currently going through and I give zero fucks about what works for you right now. This is overwhelming and makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me that I have no drive to do anything besides sit in my flannel jammies, on my couch, and shove food into my face hole. Guess what? There’s nothing wrong with me wanting to marinate on my couch. There’s also nothing wrong with getting out and staying busy (if that’s what works for you). It’s your grief, work through it by what works for you, not by piling on more guilt from other people who have no idea what you’re going through and, for some reason, feel that you can’t think your way out of a shoebox. Pretty sure you got yourself out of bed, out of the house, and are trying to be a contributing member of society. Look at you go! That takes a lot of effort and if people don’t know that, give them a wide berth. You are entitled to have bad days, own those hurts, and cry or wail like a howler monkey if you so choose to.
I’m so excited for Christmas holidays. To not have to shoulder anxiety about getting out of bed and interacting with people that I don’t care about regarding things that I’ve lost interest in. To have the time and space to really delve deep into my loss, yes, I’m actually looking forward to that. I’m looking forward to coming out on the other side, refreshed and ready to face reality again in 2015. I’m also pumped to have 2 weeks to shove food into my face. I may eat my feelings, but they are delicious and nobody but me is paying for my food bills.